And Now for Something Completely Different - PART II

If you haven't read Part I - this would be an interesting place to start. 

In all honesty, after infertility and failed IVF attempts, to finally hear the words, “you’re pregnant” is very scary. Those words were incredibly surreal and frightening. Especially because it was followed by, “but your progesterone is very low, so you will need to start on progesterone injections tonight” (a shot in the ass every night for 10 weeks).  And three days after hearing those words, I started bleeding and thought that just as I had anticipated, the other shoe had dropped.  Turns out, subchorionic hemorrhages are quite common, especially with IVF. I still remember going into the fertility clinic for that ultrasound the next morning. Again, I approached this with more of a matter-of-fact attitude – after my initial tears, the bleeding stopped, so I thought it was a good sign and everything would be okay. So much so that I told Vince he didn’t need to go to the ultrasound with me.   I was surrounded by about 5 people – a doctor included just in case it was a miscarriage and she delivered the bad news. The ultrasound tech took a deep breath before telling me it looked like I had TWO healthy sacs. In her words, two healthy “peanuts”.

No one really talks about or blogs about pregnancy after infertility. In some ways it is more emotional than the actual infertility. This thing that you have worked so hard to attain has finally happened, but because you’re used to disappointments, it is impossible to enjoy. The overarching anxiety about being able to stay pregnant has taken over, and everything, everything has you questioning if you lost the baby. In my case, it was lack of pregnancy symptoms. Even with twins, the only symptom I had was fatigue. I had numerous trips to my dad’s office to have his techs do an ultrasound to make sure the babies were okay. Then I would go home and question if the excessive ultrasounds would somehow damage the babies. I was borderline neurotic. Or maybe not even borderline.

Again, when I noticed edema in my ankles at week 24, I had moments of panic knowing the inevitable – I was going to have preeclampsia. But I kept moving on day after day because that is all I could do. And I just knew that things would be okay because they just had to be.

The day I delivered the babies was also a day of doing what I just had to do. My blood pressure was dangerously high and I was told to go directly to Labor and Delivery to have the babies that day. I wasn’t scared – I was excited. I didn’t feel sick, I didn’t panic…And now realizing how dangerous the situation was, I am glad I was naive about it all. I remember the L&D nurses moving quickly and rhythmically around me trying to start IVs, trying to bring my blood pressure down. I remember being taken to the OR when it was finally time and the nurses not being able to get the foot rest on the bed, and while some were trying to get it on, others were pressing their fingers into my grossly swollen body because they were in shock at how bad it was.

I cannot imagine my parent’s anxiety hearing that the first baby had been delivered and then not hearing anything as another hour passed. And then another. Followed by 2 more. Imagine your daughter rushed to labor and delivery in hopes of preventing a life-threatening seizure, and then not hearing anything 3 hours into delivery, after one baby had already been delivered. Most people think of twins being delivered only moments apart. But not hours, and certainly not 4 hours, putting their birthdays on different days.

Once they were delivered and I heard their cries, I didn’t worry about them. I knew they would be alright. Never once in their 2.5 weeks in the NICU did I worry about their health. And the week that I was in the hospital following the delivery, I only had two bad days of worrying about my own health. I knew everything would be okay.

Looking back after the fact, I would not have changed a thing. My infertility, my IVF journey, my pregnancy and delivery, my post-partum experience, have all made me into who I am today. A tired, tired mother. 😊 Infertility, IVF, egg donation, pregnancy after infertility, preeclampsia – it takes perseverance, dedication, commitment, and grit. I didn’t know I had so much of it until this experience.

But all that pales in comparison to actual parenting. And twins. 

(To be continued…)