Word Vomiting
Bite This: According to the CDC, 6% of married women ages 15-44 are infertile.
So, where have I been all of this time? It's time I opened up because this is an inexhaustible topic for me. I have started anonymous blogs about it time and time again, but I always delete the blogs after the first post. Might as well post now on an already existing blog and pour my heart and soul out to my 23 followers. Or at least the 3 followers who will read this post. Considering 0 followers read my last post, with any luck, this will be the same.
The reason why I have not been running, why my pants are fitting a little too snug, and why I haven't been motivated to write about health, is because I have been consumed with building my family. After 3 1/2 years of trying, 7 rounds of oral medications, 2 failed IUIs, one canceled IVF cycle, and one pending IVF cycle, I am ready to write it all down, get it all out, and use this blog as my therapy. After all, it is my blog, I do what I want.
When a woman is incapable of doing something every woman is born to do, it can be an emotionally, physically, and financially draining process. I am so lucky in that my family, friends, and even co-workers have been very supportive, but after 3 1/2 years, they get tired of hearing about it all. And after 3 1/2 years, I get tired of talking about it all. But nothing has changed. Everything is still the same, and I need some sort of outlet to scream, shout, and kick my legs about it. I need a new audience, so to speak, so here it goes...
In the beginning I was bitter - why me? Why now? Nearly ALL of my friends have tried and gotten pregnant and had their babies in the time we have been trying. And not just my friends. Everywhere I went, everywhere I looked there was another pregnant woman. How can you not be bitter about that? And then it seemed like for every step forward, we took 3 steps backward and life just kept handing us shit on top of this shit.
After a couple of years, through gut-wrenching baby announcements and baby showers, I just became sad. Why hasn't it happened yet? And every month that passed, we grieved for this tiny thing that never was. And I had to live with this incredible guilt that this is all my fault that we cannot have a baby.
By the third year, I was just done. Done feeling sorry for myself, done being bitter, done being angry, done waiting. It has taken over my identity, my every thought, all day, every day for the last 3 1/2 years. I just want to know now if it is or if it isn't and move on with our lives. And that's where I am now. Although, still desperately waiting and hoping that our 2 little embryos - or "our little guy Bennetts" as I so lovingly refer to them as- who have fought this long and hard will make it all the way until the end.
I have always imagined that I would one day be a mother. There is nothing that I want more now, and nothing that I wanted more even when I was little. I never imagined that it would be this difficult. I never imagined that I wouldn't be a mother. I have come to the point in the process where it either is or it isn't and I have to face whatever reality throws at me.
I have read so many blogs about infertility and they all seem so depressing and so hopeless. I thought that if I were ever to dedicate a blog solely for this purpose, I'd make it more uplifting and add some humor. But now I see that's difficult to do on a subject such as this. Especially when drinking wine, raging with estrogen, and listening to Jack Johnson radio station on Spotify. (ha, ha, ha)
I keep saying "I" as if GMOE isn't going through this as well. I cannot even express how fortunate I am to have such a loving, patient, supportive, and caring husband. He is my rock. He's the one that's really been through a lot over the past 3 years in addition to not being able to be a father. So it's not just me. It's us. It's our little family that may or may not ever be.
I am not writing this for anyone but myself - although that may sound contradictory to my previous comment about needing a new audience, but I don't mind if no one even reads this. This is my way of coping, dealing with my stress, and talking myself into how great life will be either way.
Although healthy food, a well balanced diet, and exercise can do wonders for your body, things that are already broken cannot always be fixed.
Thanks for reading. I'll be back. And next time with some happy news.
So, where have I been all of this time? It's time I opened up because this is an inexhaustible topic for me. I have started anonymous blogs about it time and time again, but I always delete the blogs after the first post. Might as well post now on an already existing blog and pour my heart and soul out to my 23 followers. Or at least the 3 followers who will read this post. Considering 0 followers read my last post, with any luck, this will be the same.
The reason why I have not been running, why my pants are fitting a little too snug, and why I haven't been motivated to write about health, is because I have been consumed with building my family. After 3 1/2 years of trying, 7 rounds of oral medications, 2 failed IUIs, one canceled IVF cycle, and one pending IVF cycle, I am ready to write it all down, get it all out, and use this blog as my therapy. After all, it is my blog, I do what I want.
When a woman is incapable of doing something every woman is born to do, it can be an emotionally, physically, and financially draining process. I am so lucky in that my family, friends, and even co-workers have been very supportive, but after 3 1/2 years, they get tired of hearing about it all. And after 3 1/2 years, I get tired of talking about it all. But nothing has changed. Everything is still the same, and I need some sort of outlet to scream, shout, and kick my legs about it. I need a new audience, so to speak, so here it goes...
In the beginning I was bitter - why me? Why now? Nearly ALL of my friends have tried and gotten pregnant and had their babies in the time we have been trying. And not just my friends. Everywhere I went, everywhere I looked there was another pregnant woman. How can you not be bitter about that? And then it seemed like for every step forward, we took 3 steps backward and life just kept handing us shit on top of this shit.
After a couple of years, through gut-wrenching baby announcements and baby showers, I just became sad. Why hasn't it happened yet? And every month that passed, we grieved for this tiny thing that never was. And I had to live with this incredible guilt that this is all my fault that we cannot have a baby.
By the third year, I was just done. Done feeling sorry for myself, done being bitter, done being angry, done waiting. It has taken over my identity, my every thought, all day, every day for the last 3 1/2 years. I just want to know now if it is or if it isn't and move on with our lives. And that's where I am now. Although, still desperately waiting and hoping that our 2 little embryos - or "our little guy Bennetts" as I so lovingly refer to them as- who have fought this long and hard will make it all the way until the end.
I have always imagined that I would one day be a mother. There is nothing that I want more now, and nothing that I wanted more even when I was little. I never imagined that it would be this difficult. I never imagined that I wouldn't be a mother. I have come to the point in the process where it either is or it isn't and I have to face whatever reality throws at me.
I have read so many blogs about infertility and they all seem so depressing and so hopeless. I thought that if I were ever to dedicate a blog solely for this purpose, I'd make it more uplifting and add some humor. But now I see that's difficult to do on a subject such as this. Especially when drinking wine, raging with estrogen, and listening to Jack Johnson radio station on Spotify. (ha, ha, ha)
I keep saying "I" as if GMOE isn't going through this as well. I cannot even express how fortunate I am to have such a loving, patient, supportive, and caring husband. He is my rock. He's the one that's really been through a lot over the past 3 years in addition to not being able to be a father. So it's not just me. It's us. It's our little family that may or may not ever be.
I am not writing this for anyone but myself - although that may sound contradictory to my previous comment about needing a new audience, but I don't mind if no one even reads this. This is my way of coping, dealing with my stress, and talking myself into how great life will be either way.
Although healthy food, a well balanced diet, and exercise can do wonders for your body, things that are already broken cannot always be fixed.
Thanks for reading. I'll be back. And next time with some happy news.
I love you!!!
ReplyDeleteYou are so strong and brave for sharing your experience. I have always had a ton of admiration for you and knowing now all that you have been going through with a smile on your face makes me in awe of you. I'm always here if you need anything. XOXO
ReplyDelete